It's Gonna Be Okay
by storymom
Summary: Post finale, cause I couldn't get it out of my brain. Pretty much all Kirsten's POV as she and Sandy get to the accident and after.


Kirsten didn't even realize Sandy had taken her hand in his, not until she felt his firm squeeze. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay."

"Sandy…" Kirsten didn't know why she was going to argue with him – besides the fact they both knew he was wrong. Everything wasn't okay nor would it be okay. Not until they got to the accident scene. Not until they knew whose child was gone.

Gone, not dead. Kirsten couldn't bring herself to say dead, not out loud, not even in her head. Instead she tried to replay what Sandy had told her, not knowing if it was a blessing or a curse that he still had so many friends on the police force.

One, Steve, was nice enough to try and call them about the accident. Unfortunately, the cell phone reception was poor, and the call kept breaking up until it finally dropped. All Sandy was able to make out was "accident…Ryan's car involved… bottom of Canon Road…a fatality"

"A fatality" – one death, two teenagers in the car. Whose child was gone?

Kirsten wasn't wishing that Marissa was gone. Honestly, she wasn't. She was just hoping that Ryan was…not.

She couldn't think about that now. No, it was better to not think about the fact that after tonight, one family would become a statistic. Either the Coopers or the Cohens would soon be part of that sad statistic that comes out every year – the number of teenagers killed at prom and at graduation.

"Bottom of Canon Road." That was what Sandy had said, but that didn't make any sense. Ryan was driving Marissa to the airport. He wouldn't even have been on Canon Road unless…

"There's only one way his car would be at the bottom of Canon Road…"

"I know." The edge in Sandy's voice told her that he had already thought about the fact that Ryan would not have been traveling on that road. The only way his car could have ended up there was if he had gone off the side of the road above, Kirsten shuddered.

She decided to try to focus on the good in Ryan's life. The reasons why he had to be okay.

She thought warmly of the graduation the day before. His smile. His accomplishments. The way she thought her heart would burst when he accepted his diploma. He may have been the first Atwood to graduate from high school, but that didn't mean he also wasn't the second generation Cohen to go to Berkeley.

Of course there was still Berkeley. His dreams. She knew he still had them, and that no matter what, there was no way she and Sandy would let those dreams die…

Die. No, not die. She couldn't think about dying.

Dawn. If she had been thinking about the good in Ryan's life six months ago, Dawn wouldn't have come close to being on the list. But she and Ryan had reconciled. She'd been there to see him graduate. She was proud of him. And Kirsten could see how happy Ryan was that she was able to remain sober – for him.

Of course, there was her own sobriety. She didn't know if Ryan knew about her relapse. If he did, he didn't say anything, and she didn't know if she should say anything to him. She was still guilty over what she said to him last year, even though he'd never said anything. He'd even brushed off her feeble attempt to apologize.

She couldn't forgive herself for putting him through the agony of another alcoholic mother. But he never said anything negative. He'd said he loved her. He'd wanted her to get help. So she had. She hoped that was enough. She hoped that he knew that she loved him, too - that he was her son, too.

Her son. In three short years he went from "that kid" she didn't want in her home to her son. He was as much a part of her life and her love as any other member of her family. She hoped he knew that. She hoped he realized that when she referred to "the kids" or "the boys" she really meant "HER kids" - "HER boys."

Her boys. Seth and Ryan. Kirsten suddenly found it difficult to breath. What if it was Ryan? What would Seth do? The two of them were always together – together they were unstoppable - that was their running joke. Closer than most friends. They were the best of friends, the best of brothers. No, they ARE the best of friends. Not were. They are.

Kirsten began to shake uncontrollably and all she could mumble was "Please, not Ryan. Please, not him."

The traffic abruptly stopped in front of them. "What…" Kirsten started.

"I guess we must be close to the accident scene."

That was all Sandy had to say. Kirsten unclipped her seatbelt and quickly exited the car. She was not going to wait in traffic. She'd walk. She needed to be there. She needed to see for herself, needed to know. She heard the car door shut behind her and felt Sandy's hand on her back. Thankfully, he wasn't going to stop her. It occurred to her that Sandy needed to know just as badly as she did.

They came upon 'the scene' quickly. The yellow caution tape, the many on-lookers, bright spotlights, a myriad of police cars and police officers. 'The scene' was unreal.

Kirsten tried to duck under the tape, only to have an officer try to stop her. She pulled her arm away quickly and rather violently. "That's my _son._"

She hadn't meant to be so forceful, but he was not going to stop her.

The officer looked at her for a moment before taking notice of the person behind her. "Hey, Sandy. Sorry, Mrs. Cohen. I didn't recognize you."

Kirsten didn't bother to answer. She didn't have to - Sandy was doing the talking. His voice was a little too calm and a little too professional, but Kirsten wasn't going to say anything, not if it meant they could get past the caution tape.

"Hi, Jeff. Steve called earlier. Said there was an accident and that Ryan was involved. We got here as quickly as we could."

This Officer Jeff person nodded as he lifted the caution tape for them and pointed at a dark mass of…something. It took Kirsten a moment to realize that this Jeff guy was trying to tell them that the burned out pile of nothing was Ryan's car.

Kirsten took two steps back and felt as if her heart had momentarily stopped. "Oh, God. Sandy…"

"I know. It's okay. It's gonna be okay." Kirsten knew he was just saying that to appease her, still trying to convince her of something she knew was not true.

Kirsten looked away from the car. She couldn't look at it. Not Ryan's car. That was not Ryan's car.

As she turned, she caught sight of something else. A blanket? On the ground? She moved closer to get a better look. Why was there a blanket on the ground?

She turned to ask Sandy, but she saw that he was now talking to two police officers – that Jeff guy and some other officer she could only assume was Steve. She continued alone towards the blanket, until she could see clearly.

The blanket was covering something… someone. The blanket was covering the child who didn't make it. Who was no longer….

Kirsten covered her mouth with her hand as she felt the bile rise up from her stomach. She closed her eyes, to shut out the sight of the blanket and to try to keep the tears from falling.

After a few deep breaths, Kirsten opened her eyes and again looked away. First the car, now the blanket. She was running out of places to look.

She finally caught sight of the ambulance, off to the side. She wondered why she hadn't seen it earlier. It was facing her, the bright headlights shining in her eyes. There appeared to be a great deal of commotion going on around the ambulance. It had to be where the other child was – the one who wasn't under the blanket.

Kirsten didn't want to know which one was under the blanket. No, she'd rather know which one was alive, not which one was…not. She walked quickly over to the ambulance, but stopped when she got to the side.

All she needed to do was round the corner to the back of the ambulance, and she would know. She would know if Ryan was there or if he was…

Kirsten unexpectedly found herself unable to move further. If Ryan wasn't in the back of the ambulance…

Then she heard it. It was a moan, spoken softly, but she knew she heard it. "No - don't. You don't understand. I need to be with Marissa…"

Kirsten closed her eyes as the tears began to fall. One hand went to her chest as she leaned back against the ambulance.

"Thank you," was all she could whisper.

After a few more deep breaths, Kirsten wiped her tears and rounded the corner. The first thing she saw was his boots. Those black boots. The last of his 'Chino-wear' as Seth called them. She smiled as she gently laid a hand on top of those boots.

She didn't bother to explain who she was to the ambulance attendant. When she saw Ryan try to struggle, trying to get up and still insisting that he "needed to be with Marissa," she simply climbed into the back and grabbed his hand. "Ssh, Ryan. It's okay. Everything's going to be okay."

Ryan continued to shake his head, so she touched his cheek. "Ryan, open your eyes," she said softly. "Look at me."

She finally got to see those blue eyes of his when he turned toward her voice and looked at her. "It's okay. We're here now. Everything is going to be okay."

"Sandy?"

"He's here. He's outside."

"He's with Marissa?"

"He's going to take care of everything. Now you can let the attendants take care of you. Okay?"

Ryan nodded ever so slightly as he closed his eyes and gripped Kirsten's hand.

She looked at the attendant and waited for him to tell her how he was. When it appeared that no information was going to be offered, she had to ask, "Is he okay?"

She hated how nonchalant and rather cold the attendant was. "It appears so, but we can't be too sure. Not until we get him to the hospital and let the doctors look him over. From the bruising on his shoulder and chest, I'd say the seatbelt probably saved his life."

Kirsten bit down on her bottom lip and tried to gain control of her emotions. She was always amazed how they never had to tell Ryan anything twice. If they asked him to do something, he did. Always. No questions asked. Just one time Sandy informed him that in their cars, seatbelts are always worn – on the day he picked Ryan up in Chino – that very first day. So Ryan always wore his. Now, because of that, he was here, in the back of the ambulance.

She briefly wondered if that meant Marissa didn't have hers on. If that was why she was…

She pushed the thought out of her mind and decided it would be better to focus on Ryan. Ryan needed her. She continued to stare at him, one hand in his and her other lightly stroking his cheek.

She was so focused on Ryan that the attendant actually had to touch her to get her attention. "Ma'am, we're about ready to roll."

"Okay. Just give me a minute to tell my husband we're going." Kirsten started to move, to go find Sandy and tell him that she was with Ryan. That they were going to the hospital together.

"Go? I can't go." Kirsten was momentarily speechless as she watched Ryan attempt to roll off the stretcher.

The attendant placed a hand on one shoulder and Kirsten put her hand on his other. Together, they both attempted to keep Ryan from getting up.

It was a relief to hear Sandy's voice behind her.

"Hey, kid. Going somewhere?"

Kirsten watched as Ryan instinctively responded to Sandy, stopped struggling and looked towards him. "No. I can't go. I need to stay. I promised."

"It's okay, Ryan. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You go with Kirsten. I promise you, I won't leave."

"You'll stay with her? She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want me to leave her."

Kirsten's heart broke just listening to him. He was there with her. She must have been alive at some point. But did he know she was gone? Was he with her when she… when she died?

She looked at Sandy. His face clearly reflected his pain, too, but Sandy somehow managed to keep his voice strong.

"I won't leave, I promise. Go with Kirsten. I'll see you later."

"'Kay." It was a whisper - an acknowledgement that Ryan believed Sandy would somehow make everything all right.

The drive to the hospital was business as usual -- for the attendant.

He asked Kirsten the basics – Ryan's full name, age, address, height, weight, allergies.

Occasionally, he'd ask Ryan a question, clearly trying to keep him alert and awake.

She listened as he radioed ahead to the hospital, passing along the 'victim's stats.'

She couldn't help getting annoyed at the blasé attitude, but refrained from saying anything.

Instead Kirsten focused on Ryan, watching as he tired of answering questions, all the while, not opening his eyes. She couldn't figure out what was going on in his head, and she didn't know what to say to make him feel better.

He did hold onto her hand very tightly – the only outward sign that he was upset and needed her close.

That changed once they got to the hospital. Kirsten tried to stay with him. They continued holding hands as he was brought into the hospital, but as he was wheeled into an exam room, the nurse stopped her.

"You need to wait outside."

"Fine, but first let me tell him where I am."

"We'll tell him. Someone will find you in the waiting room soon."

"Please. He's my son."

"I know, but you have to wait out here."

"His high school sweetheart… she didn't make it. He was with her. I just want him to know I'm still here with him."

The nurse smiled warmly at Kirsten and patted her arm gently. "It's okay. I promise I'll make sure he knows his mom is right outside."

Kirsten opened her mouth to correct the nurse but decided against it. It would take too long to explain, and she needed the nurse to tell Ryan.

Though the nurse pointed her in the direction of the waiting room before going into the room, Kirsten didn't leave. She stayed by the door – she stayed near Ryan.

Whenever someone would go in or come out, Kirsten would try to see what was going on. Occasionally she'd get a glimpse of Ryan, but not enough to see that he was all right.

When she realized she could see the heart monitor through the small window, she focused on that. She knew as long as there was a steady beat on that monitor, Ryan was okay.

Seconds turned into minutes and could have very well turned into hours as Kirsten watched the monitor through the tiny window.

Finally, a man in a white coat came out. He introduced himself as Doctor something, but at that point, Kirsten really didn't care what his name was. All she wanted to know was how Ryan was. She listened as he explained his injuries – and gave silent thanks that nothing was life threatening. She nodded as he explained that they would be more certain after Ryan went to radiology.

Kirsten went cold when the doctor very callously said he knew that the passenger in Ryan's car was killed, and that Ryan was suffering from shock, most likely caused by the gravity of the situation.

He then informed Kirsten that due to the fact that Ryan became highly agitated in the exam room, they'd had to sedate him. But it was only a mild sedation – as if that would somehow make Kirsten feel better. It didn't.

"If you had just let me stay in the room with him…"

"Sorry, no outsiders are allowed in the examining room."

"I'm not an outsider. Not to Ryan."

"I know, ma'am, but we needed to treat your son immediately, without interference. You can accompany him down to radiology. We'll talk more later."

And with that, the doctor was gone. Not that Kirsten cared. As soon as the doctor left, they were pushing Ryan's bed toward her. She immediately grabbed his hand again and never let it go as they went to Radiology.

She grabbed it again when they brought him out, all the way back to the emergency room, and as Ryan was moved into another room for the night – a private room at Kirsten's insistence.

Kirsten couldn't be sure if Ryan was even aware that she was still holding onto him, thanks to the doctor's so-called mild sedation.

She also wasn't sure how long they'd been at the hospital. She debated calling Sandy but didn't want to leave Ryan alone, and she didn't want to risk disturbing him by using her phone. So she quietly waited, watching Ryan and gently caressing his arm.

Kirsten jumped when she heard the door open, but was very happy to see Sandy walk in. They hugged tighter than usual, but neither one could take their eyes off Ryan's sleeping form.

"How is he?" Sandy asked as he approached the bed.

Kirsten filled him in on what she'd been told so far – the relatively minor injuries, the sedation, the over-night observation, and finally that both the ambulance attendant and the doctor emphasized the fact that wearing his seatbelt saved Ryan's life.

Out of all of that, Sandy seemed focused on the sedation. "I guess it's probably a very good idea for now, given everything he's been through."

"But because of his seatbelt, his injuries are minor!" Kirsten couldn't help but stress that fact again.

"But the accident wasn't," and as Sandy began to explain what the police were able to piece together, Kirsten finally understood what the doctor meant by 'gravity of the situation.'

Sandy switched into what Kirsten quickly recognized as his 'lawyer mode' as he recounted the sketchy details;

"From the blood on Ryan's sleeve and the trail of blood on the ground, it appears he carried Marissa away from the car before it caught fire. At this point, no one knows if she was still alive - Ryan will have to tell us that. Witnesses state that the car was pretty well engulfed by the time they got there so Ryan and Marissa were alone for a while. Ryan was pretty unresponsive to any kind of verbal stimulation, and it was difficult to pull him away from her body. Naturally, his blood was drawn for alcohol and drugs, but we both know it'll come back clean."

Kirsten grabbed hold of Ryan's hand again, gripping it tighter than before. "Oh, Sandy, the poor kid."

"Kirsten, there's more. His car did go off the embankment. On the road above, the police found more than one set of tire marks as well as broken glass indicating that Ryan didn't lose control of his car on his own."

"Are you saying…?" Kirsten couldn't finish the sentence, but she didn't have to.

"It looks like it. Plus there's this girl, Heather something who showed up, saying that her friend caused the accident. That he was drunk and mad and intentionally ran Ryan off the road."

"Who would do that?" Kirsten again felt the bile coming up.

"Apparently it was Marissa's ex-boyfriend, the one she brought to the prom. He and Ryan had some kind of history that escalated when the kid saw him with Marissa. It sounds like their breakup was messy, and Ryan got involved. According to this girl, he wanted to have it out with the rich kid once and for all."

"Ryan? The rich kid? I would find that ironic if I didn't think it so sad. He spent three years in high school being constantly reminded that he would always be the poor kid from Chino, and tonight he's almost killed because some thug hated him for being rich. He is in jail, now, isn't he?"

"Not yet. There is a warrant out for him, and I can promise you, he will be spending as much time in prison as permitted by law."

"So once again Ryan had to come to the aid of Marissa." Kirsten couldn't hide the anger in her voice. She was angry, until Sandy reminded her, "this one last time."

Then neither one of them had anything else to say for a few minutes, as Kristen held onto Ryan's hand and Sandy lay his hand on Ryan's leg. Kirsten was the one who finally broke the silence.

"We need to tell Seth."

"I know. I called him on my way over. Summer was still at the house, so Neil and I are going home to talk to them both. Neil is waiting for me outside. He sends his love and said to call him if we need anything."

"How's Julie?" Kirsten noticed something flicker in Sandy's eyes. "What?"

"Julie's pretty upset, as expected. Neil gave her something to try to calm her down."

"But?"

"If she comes by, don't let her in to see Ryan." Sandy's tone was flat, and Kirsten knew what it meant.

"She's blaming Ryan? Again? How in the world is this Ryan's fault?"

"Kirsten, she's upset. Her child is gone. She needs to blame someone."

"She needs to blame the kid who ran them off the road."

"She is, but she's also blaming Ryan. Ryan survived the accident. Marissa didn't. She's mad, she's upset, she's…"

"Julie," Kirsten finished.

"Yes. I've already warned the nurses and the doctor – Julie is not allowed in this room no matter what she says or does."

Sandy kissed her on her cheek, and then bent down to kiss Ryan on the top of his head. "I'll call you later."

"I love you. Tell Seth I love him."

"Love you, too."

She went back to watching Ryan as Sandy left, thinking about Julie. Kirsten knew that losing Marissa had to be devastating to her, but she couldn't blame Ryan. Not this time. This time it wasn't his fault. Then again, it never was, but that never seemed to matter to Julie.

Kirsten knew all about last year. Ryan didn't know she knew. Sandy filled her in on everything – including Julie's attempt to frame him. Sandy also told her how Ryan insisted Kirsten not know. She wanted to tell him she understood, that it didn't change how she felt about him and that she was very willing to cut Julie out of their lives for Ryan's sake. But she knew it would shake Ryan's trust in Sandy, so she never said anything. At least not to Ryan.

That didn't mean she didn't have some serious words with Julie, who still maintained she had to do anything she could for her family. She begged Kirsten to understand. Kirsten told her in no uncertain terms that she of course understood a mother's need to protect her children at all costs. However, Julie needed to accept the fact to Kirsten that also meant Ryan, or their friendship was over.

Kirsten began to lightly stroke Ryan's arm again. "I know she hurt you last year, but I'm here now. It won't happen again. I promise, she's not going to blame you again."

She heard Ryan groan softly and decided it would be best if she remained quiet. She jumped at the loudness of her ringing cell phone and moved quickly, whispering as she answered it.

"Seth, what's wrong?"

"I don't know. You tell me. What's going on?"

"Is Summer still with you?"

"Yeah. Dad called and said he and Dr. Roberts were on their way over, but he was real cryptic. What's going on?"

"It's hard to explain over the phone. Your dad will explain it when he gets there."

Ryan's groans suddenly got loudly, and Kirsten quickly turned her attention to him. "Ssh – it's okay, Ryan. Go back to sleep. Everything's okay."

Seth was clearly near panic as he yelled into the phone. "Go back to sleep, Ryan? Why does he have to go back to sleep? Are you in the hospital? What's wrong with Ryan?"

"Seth, please." Kirsten was now pleading. "I can't explain it now. Dad will be home soon. I promise you, he'll explain it."

"It's bad, isn't it?"

"Yes, sweetie, it is."

"Ryan…"

"Ryan will be okay, I promise. Let me go, though. I don't want to disturb him."

"I'm coming as soon as Dad gets here."

"I know."

Kirsten was anxious to see Seth, and was relieved to see both Sandy and Seth enter not an hour later. She wanted her whole family together. She needed her whole family together. She would have preferred to have everyone home safe and sound, but that wasn't possible - not that night - so it was at least nice to have them all together in the hospital room.

They didn't really speak. They hugged. They kissed. Then they watched Ryan. They all turned away when the nurse came in so as not to see his injuries. Tonight was not the night to deal with his injuries or his pain. Tonight was a night for them to just be together as a family.

They were a family mourning the loss of a young life, but secretly saying a prayer of thanks that they were not the statistic - that despite how close the Coopers were to the Cohens, actual family at one point, that it was the Coopers preparing to bury their child.

That no matter what happened tomorrow and the days to come, they were still a complete family, and for that, Kirsten was grateful.


End file.
